take a picture
posted by arzish at
10:06 AM
|
0 Comments
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
to the end
Guess whose back?
Well there isnt much guessing involved since this is MY blog.
Just an update on the daily life of the boy wonder.
Nothings been happening.
Except for the fact that im being swamped with work!
What is up with my boss?
I mean dude, seriously, does the term ‘ORD’ mean nothing to you?
Oh wait, you’re a female civilian.
You never did do any national service.
Ah now I understand.
Pardon my dissatisfaction.
Hell, now that I realize that youre a female civilian, perhaps I’ll make an effort to smile and be gleeful!
Im sooooo happy that you have overloaded me with redundant work, work that can be done by the other miscreants that inhabit my office.
never mind.
Revenge shall be sweet,
Slowly but surely, I am carrying out my devious plan of sabotaging the boss…
I envision …
*at an important meeting*
boss : "yes I will be presenting the case of officer T03321, Sergeant Ivonna Humpalott"
*other people at meeting are aghast with horror*
boss : "yes, Sgt Humpalott and Cpl Ai Steenk Soobad were….wait a minute…"
and boy wonder does his victory jig.
In keeping with Lee Unit, I have been keenly observing people to see as to whether or not they are Lee Unit material.
Simple, normal people off the streets.
We wouldn’t want any divas or prima-donnas.
Lee unit is more than just Wong and myself.
It’s a means to an end.
It’s a revolution.
If you havent noticed, our membership has begun to blossom.
The MM, various other members of the government, LEE hwa nathan of lee hwa jewellery,
Jamie LEE curtis, the LEEds united football team, LEE do dum, the owner of Lido, etc. are all in with us.
And those are just our not-so-well-known members.
Lee Unit be going places.
Me being a member of Lee-Unit till death, Im always looking out for the potential recruits.
Yesterday, on the bus, I think I stumbled upon a perfect recruit.
I sat at the back of the bus, and soon enough, some indian chick sat in front of me.
Probably 18-19 years of age, south indian.
Dressed like a typical girl, she seemed normal enough.
Thus disqualifying her from "potential member of Lee-unit’ status.
But soon, she began to show signs of strangeness.
First off, let me reiterate, this girl looked as indian as indian can be, complete with streaked hair and a hairy back/neck area.
She took out a magazine.
Cleo?(no stupid cleo pic jokes pls) Women’s Weekly? Maybe even 8 days? Hustler?(I joke I joke)
No…to my amazement, she took out…
Some sort of japanese entertainment magazine.
With only japanese words in it.
And she read.
And read.
And read.
I was pretty shocked.
But here comes the clincher.
She received a phone call.
Her ringtone was obviously some unrecognizable J-pop thing...
my ears burnt from it.
She said, "moshi moshi!!"
I was shocked.
She continued to converse for a full 5 minutes in fluent japanese!
"sushi this….sony that…..toyota here….suzuki me later…."
And so on…
She ended with a short, polite…"arigato"
By now I was speechless.
A run-of-the-mill tamley-chi speaking fluent japanese?
She was prime Lee-unit material!
Ive always wanted to branch out to japan…
So that if any of our members don’t embrace our lifestyle fully, we can cut part of his/her finger off, a la the yakuza.
I think that’s just really cool.
"hi mom…today the people from Lee-unit, who I simply adore, got angry with me for not speaking mandarin with the proper guangzhou accent, and thus chopped off my right pinky.
Not just part of it, mom. the entire finger. I thanked them profusely, exclaiming that I was not worthy…and as a result, the top part of my ear is gone as well"
maybe wong and the boy wonder should be banned from wielding sharp objects…
like even a fork or something.
maybe even a pencil.
As I approached to recruit this promising young star, I was stopped by a very potent nemesis.
Body odour.
Strong, curry-scented body odour emitting from the girl’s uncovered armpits.
Needless to say, no matter how many times ive taken it for the team, I didn’t want to die at such an early age.
Thus, another promising member of Lee-unit ended up remaining just that.
A promising ‘potential’ member.
A word of advice: if it’s a hot day, you have loadsa armpit hair which you were too lazy to shave, and are wearing a sleeveless top, for the love of anything holy, please use the magic stick.
The deodorant stick, that is.
Ah well, not much else has happened.
I met up with mrs. boy wonder, aka frinn, at, lo and behold, mustafa center.
And would you believe it, we hung out at the strangest of places.
We simply plopped ourselves down on some empty cupboard-shelf like structure near the shoe section in the new mustafa center, and talked for hours.
And I mean hours.
That’s just how unique this relationship is.
I wouldn’t have it any other way, or with any other person, ever.
That’s basically it for now.
You guys take care of yourselves.
Lee-Unitt!
Love y’all.
Well there isnt much guessing involved since this is MY blog.
Just an update on the daily life of the boy wonder.
Nothings been happening.
Except for the fact that im being swamped with work!
What is up with my boss?
I mean dude, seriously, does the term ‘ORD’ mean nothing to you?
Oh wait, you’re a female civilian.
You never did do any national service.
Ah now I understand.
Pardon my dissatisfaction.
Hell, now that I realize that youre a female civilian, perhaps I’ll make an effort to smile and be gleeful!
Im sooooo happy that you have overloaded me with redundant work, work that can be done by the other miscreants that inhabit my office.
never mind.
Revenge shall be sweet,
Slowly but surely, I am carrying out my devious plan of sabotaging the boss…
I envision …
*at an important meeting*
boss : "yes I will be presenting the case of officer T03321, Sergeant Ivonna Humpalott"
*other people at meeting are aghast with horror*
boss : "yes, Sgt Humpalott and Cpl Ai Steenk Soobad were….wait a minute…"
and boy wonder does his victory jig.
In keeping with Lee Unit, I have been keenly observing people to see as to whether or not they are Lee Unit material.
Simple, normal people off the streets.
We wouldn’t want any divas or prima-donnas.
Lee unit is more than just Wong and myself.
It’s a means to an end.
It’s a revolution.
If you havent noticed, our membership has begun to blossom.
The MM, various other members of the government, LEE hwa nathan of lee hwa jewellery,
Jamie LEE curtis, the LEEds united football team, LEE do dum, the owner of Lido, etc. are all in with us.
And those are just our not-so-well-known members.
Lee Unit be going places.
Me being a member of Lee-Unit till death, Im always looking out for the potential recruits.
Yesterday, on the bus, I think I stumbled upon a perfect recruit.
I sat at the back of the bus, and soon enough, some indian chick sat in front of me.
Probably 18-19 years of age, south indian.
Dressed like a typical girl, she seemed normal enough.
Thus disqualifying her from "potential member of Lee-unit’ status.
But soon, she began to show signs of strangeness.
First off, let me reiterate, this girl looked as indian as indian can be, complete with streaked hair and a hairy back/neck area.
She took out a magazine.
Cleo?(no stupid cleo pic jokes pls) Women’s Weekly? Maybe even 8 days? Hustler?(I joke I joke)
No…to my amazement, she took out…
Some sort of japanese entertainment magazine.
With only japanese words in it.
And she read.
And read.
And read.
I was pretty shocked.
But here comes the clincher.
She received a phone call.
Her ringtone was obviously some unrecognizable J-pop thing...
my ears burnt from it.
She said, "moshi moshi!!"
I was shocked.
She continued to converse for a full 5 minutes in fluent japanese!
"sushi this….sony that…..toyota here….suzuki me later…."
And so on…
She ended with a short, polite…"arigato"
By now I was speechless.
A run-of-the-mill tamley-chi speaking fluent japanese?
She was prime Lee-unit material!
Ive always wanted to branch out to japan…
So that if any of our members don’t embrace our lifestyle fully, we can cut part of his/her finger off, a la the yakuza.
I think that’s just really cool.
"hi mom…today the people from Lee-unit, who I simply adore, got angry with me for not speaking mandarin with the proper guangzhou accent, and thus chopped off my right pinky.
Not just part of it, mom. the entire finger. I thanked them profusely, exclaiming that I was not worthy…and as a result, the top part of my ear is gone as well"
maybe wong and the boy wonder should be banned from wielding sharp objects…
like even a fork or something.
maybe even a pencil.
As I approached to recruit this promising young star, I was stopped by a very potent nemesis.
Body odour.
Strong, curry-scented body odour emitting from the girl’s uncovered armpits.
Needless to say, no matter how many times ive taken it for the team, I didn’t want to die at such an early age.
Thus, another promising member of Lee-unit ended up remaining just that.
A promising ‘potential’ member.
A word of advice: if it’s a hot day, you have loadsa armpit hair which you were too lazy to shave, and are wearing a sleeveless top, for the love of anything holy, please use the magic stick.
The deodorant stick, that is.
Ah well, not much else has happened.
I met up with mrs. boy wonder, aka frinn, at, lo and behold, mustafa center.
And would you believe it, we hung out at the strangest of places.
We simply plopped ourselves down on some empty cupboard-shelf like structure near the shoe section in the new mustafa center, and talked for hours.
And I mean hours.
That’s just how unique this relationship is.
I wouldn’t have it any other way, or with any other person, ever.
That’s basically it for now.
You guys take care of yourselves.
Lee-Unitt!
Love y’all.
posted by arzish at
1:11 AM
|
0 Comments
Thursday, March 24, 2005
nigga pleaseeeee!
homies?
Sorry for the delay……
Its been a busy few days…
Point of information -> I (finally) got my driving license….
Took me round 16 and a half years.
But I got it…
With regards to office, nothing much is going on.
Ive reduced conversation with my boss to roughly….2 or 3 phrases, namely…
"uhhuh"
"mm hm"
"right thurr" (no cancel the last one)
It is kinda traumatic that all my squad mates are ORD-ing this Monday.
Ah well, in the long term, my reduced reservist stint will be well worth it.
Pes C pryde.
Yesterday was frinn’s birthday.
Happy belated 21st cutie.
Youre the best thing to ever happen to me.
By far.
Ok now lets get down to the crux of the matter.
Beef.
No, not the meat of the domesticated bovine variety.
Im referring to :
Beef : (slang) complaint
The practice of "having beef"(once again I reiterate, I am not referring to the consumption of a Big Mac) is extremely common in the world of rap.
The root of all this hostility probably lies in the fact that rappers are, in general, hostile and egotistical. Don’t get me wrong, I am very fond of rap music and the like. But as people, rappers are all about the bling-bling, and the ‘heat’. For the inundated, heat refers to firearms.
In the old days, rappers used to be judged by their true linguistic skills, and their ability to spit rhymes. Now, its more about how popular you are, and how big your posse is.
Sadly, rap has taken a turn for the worse. Granted, it always was an avenue for aggression, in the guise of ‘expressing’ oneself.
The unholy triumvirate of "sexuality, decadence and violence" dominates most of rap. Either we’re hearing about how many ‘hoes’ Nelly has ‘done,’ or how much r. kelly’s pinky-ring costs, or how 50cent is gonna knock up Ja Rule.
And that’s just the thing I wanna talk about.
Beefs.
In recent times, we’ve seen quite a few beefs.
Ludacris vs Chingy
50cent vs the Game
Nelly vs Chingy
50cent vs Ja Rule
Beanie Siegel vs Jadakiss
50cent vs Jadakiss
50cent vs Fat Joe
50cent vs Shyne
and the one beef that escalated into actual shootings and deaths :
Tupac Shakur vs Notorious B.I.G.
Now let me question you, albeit rhetorically, what is the purpose of all this hostility?
Simple, my dear niggaaaaaa.
Album sales.
Rappers feel the need to escalate their album sales by beefing with one another.
In fact, it’s a tad formulaic.
Rapper A releases a single,with a few lines ‘dissing’(slang for ‘disrespecting’, you moron) rapper B.
The public are intrigued.
They buy rapper A’s album.
Rapper B responds to rapper A’s disses, via a song in his new album.
Thus, the public buys rapper B’s album as well.
Throw in a couple of fiery interviews, where the rappers spew vitriol at one another, and we have a big boost in the album sales of, lo and behold, both rappers!
Which results on more money for the not-so-dumb rappers.
Which leads to more "sexuality, decadence and violence."
And thus we have a cycle which, simply put, cannot be broken.
Some rappers, those with true skill and grit, refuse to partake in these childish beefs.
Jay-Z, Busta Rhymes, etc usually avoid the whole beef scene.
We here at Lee unit, however, are not beneath having some beef.
Being the protectors of the underground, we wont take no dissing from nobody.
We are yet to have been dissed by anyone, obviously because we strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, and not because we are unimportant.
thus,we’re gonna go and find some beef with people who annoy us.
All these verses are from singles found in the upcoming album ->
Lee Unit – Guangzhou Style
a) the old lady who bumped into my elbow during lunch
yo, you wretched elderly thing/
you better watch where youre going/
bump into me and swear at me?
yo im gonna make your face into sushi/
I’ll take your jade jewelley/
And smash it, so feel my fury!
You wanna make that face at me?
Do that again, and I’ll write you your obituary/
With that said, go and take a bath/
Clean up, and prepare to face my wrath/
Unhhhhhhh Lee Unit!
(from "geriatriTrickster")
b) that dog who chased me in secondary 2
where my dogs at
where my dogs at
where that rover at
yo where that rover at
ey yo
ey yo rover!
you chased me and tried to eat me/
i thought you were coming up to greet me/
Just cos I wore short pants, you went loco/
Now im gonna make you go "ono!" like yoko/
I fell into a drain while running from you/
That’s one chase youre gonna be left to rue/
cos when I find you, you canine human-hata/
im gonna introduce you to mr baretta/
worse still, im gonna send you, via courier/
all the way to a kitchen, in korea.
Unnh!
(from "canine fiend")
c) to my boss
Lee-Unitt
Lee-Unitt
Im-a take out anyone
Who messes
With my crew
Lee-Unitt!
Supervisor unh/
There aint nothing super bout you, fo’ sure/
Youre man enough to make arnie feel insecure/
Youre arms are so hairy/
You make a bear feel like a fairy/
With a voice as deep as barry white/
Good luck in finding Mr right.
For now, supahvisah, all you got/
Is Mr wrong firing a shot/
I didn’t start this battle, you walking zit/
But know this fo’ sho, I’ll be the one ending it/
We got a vendetta goin/
And without you even knowin/
Youre gonna be out of a job/
Quit your whining, shut your gob/
When its on, its on/
Lee-unit ride on, ride on.
(from "ugly")
d) to all the posers out there.
Heya playa/
I sure as hell see ya/
Standing over there, thinkin you all that/
Telling yourself, "damn, im phat!"/
Walking round like theres something huge between your legs/
Anyone ever told you your breath smells of stale eggs?
Yo don’t come over and battle wit me/
Cos' we all know bout your ‘thing’, mr Puny/
Acting like youre a king cos you be drinkin/
You cant hold your liquor, and the vomit is doin your sink in/
So go on, stock up and get high/
On the breda and black cat, fool, don’t be shy/
Cos that’s what you really are, that’s you in your element/
A poser a fake an impostor, plus youre impotent!/
Hurts doesnt it, when the truth be said/
Wanna go back and weep into your bed?/
Cos your family thinks youre a leech/
And then theres that impediment with your speech.
Watcha gonna do, go on and diss me/
See if I care, you stupid prissy/
Cos thats all you’ll ever be/
A hater, a poser, a wannabe/
But don’t come round and blame me/
When, at the age of 53/
You realize, a bit belatedly/
That nothing in this life is for free.
So go on, do as you please/
Pick up chicks, you were always full of sleaze/
Drink your alcohol, get that ‘high’/
When the weekdays roll along, you say ‘my oh my’/
Stuck in a deadend job, yeah thats you/
Cleanin up after animals, in the zoo/
Come on high roller/
Come on big player/
Come on you stupid poser/
You wish you drank Courvoisier /
In truth, and none of us are doubting/
The fact that, the sum of all your parts, is nothing.
(from "hater’s ball")
yeah, those amazing verses were penned by MC boywonder.
Perhaps I do have too much free time.
Anyways that it for today.
Lee-Unit!
Love to all my friends, and frinn.
Happy ord-ing.
mofos.
im out.
posted by arzish at
12:36 AM
|
0 Comments
Saturday, March 19, 2005
big pimpin'
'sup playas.
whats been goin on?
word of lee-unit has been going round many circles.
wong and i have been taken note of.
its obvious.
lee unit was present in orchard road the other day.
in full force.
namely, wong and i.
we were on a mission.
to buy fancy, bling-bling clothings, and accessories, for the boy wonder.
our mission took us from far east plaza to the heeren.
at the end of a productive day, wong and i realized that we had outdone ourselves.
being true to our inherited- guangzhou roots, we bought....
nothing.
absolutely nothing.
well, except for this one drink at spinelli's.
but yeah.
shopping is not on Lee-unit's 'favourite things-to-do-list.'
beating up and killing people we dislike, however, is.
like that gay dude who winked at wong at long john's.
im thinking of finding him and using the following horrid torture method on him.
boy wonder's killa torture (not for the faint-hearted)
strap dude to table.
insert chopstick into right ear.
play stefanie sun's latest cd into dude's ear, put track 7(the slow sappy track, with chinese opera in the background) on repeat.
put a screen directly above his face, showing various annoying chinese advertisements( ie yomeishu products, hair-gaining products, something about vitality products, best denki...and all the rest.shudder).over and over.
dangle stale "pigs trotters" over dude's nose.
switch off his handphone.
i know, the last one is overdoing it a bit, but sometimes, Lee-unit has to show the masses, just who is in charge.
grrr.we so angry, nigaaa.
we've been getting stared at quite a bit actually.
apart from the fact that wong and i are uber-cool and all, i think the underground is wary of us.
when wong and i went into the newurbanmale shop at the heeren, we got many a stare.
we hastily exited the place, only because we didnt want to thrash the living daylights out of those 'oh-so-friendly' salesmen, whose sexual orientation is rather questionable.
our departure obviously had NOTHING to do with the fact that we were probably mistaken for a gay couple.
LEE-UNIT!!
i also realize that the easiest way to salvage/fix any of the following situations,
is by shouting 'lee-unit', very loudly.
a) a bad joke
"so the dude.........was actually a nun!! hahahaha! geddit?? no? damn. LEE UNIT!!
(cue uproarious laughter from others)
b) an awkward silence
"dude, you slept with my grand-auntie?"
"uhmm.yeah...sadly....shes only 64..ummmm...LEE UNIT!!
"ohh aiteeee dude! we cool!"
c) a messy situation with your girlfriend (not tested yet though)
"what? you forgot its our 15th year anniversary???? i hate you! i hate all men!"
"im soo sorry sweeetiee....jan 1st is such a hard date to remember!....LEE UNIT!!"
"oh its ok dear....let me give you a massage.."
d) getting caught by the police
"im sorry Sir, i clearly saw you empty 6 bullets into this man's skull. im going to have to arrest you now."
"aww man..really officer? i was just playing....i didnt know bullets could kill......LEE UNIT!!"
"oh well in that case! be more careful next time, Sir."
e) getting confronted by triad bosses
*menacing triad boss*"ohhh boy wonder...you gonna be very sorry for not paying up your gambling debt of $1 trillion. i am gonna keeeel you very slowly.."
"dude, is this completely necessary? i just placed a couple of bad bets...i mean who ever knew east timor couldnt beat brazil? LEE UNIT!!"
"ohhhhhh you have uttered the sacred words!*triad boss begins shaking all over*our debts are settled, boy-wonder. here is an extra $1million, simply because you have not killed me with your super strength.thank you."*bows, while retreating backwards*
represent. [courtesy of WPK, pte ltd]
but of course, the Lee-unit is not some social club.
neither is it a grown-up form of the girl guides(drooool)...no i mean boy scouts.
no.
we are 2 honourable individuals, bound by our honourable sense of honourable duty and moral honourable something......
i forget.
honour!
in turth, we're just 2 dudes who love doing random things.
for example, who else would be daring enough to try and order a "oreo spin" from spinelli's, when there is really no such drink?
hahahaha that took lots of guts on my part.
or perhaps just some stupidity.
sadly, we are presently not recruiting people into this elite unit.
the two of us were hand-picked by the legend, Lee Ding Lusar.
however, if we feel that you are worthy, we will put you through some gruelling tests.
such as:
eating pig's trotters.in a mud pit,amidst angry giant pigs.
reciting chinese poetry.while being held above a flame.
singing karaoke flawlessly.while drinking piping hot tea.
buying an entire wardrobe's worth of clothes.with only $2.
wearing a wrist band.a pink one.which is actually anti-abortion.(we think)
keeping a 5foot long pigtail.even if youre bald.
of course, wong and i cannot do any of the above, although we know some people who can.
but being founding members of this branch of the unit has its priveleges.
so many priveleges.
i have a bentley now, thanks to the respect that being in Lee-unit evokes.
wong rides a lamborghini gallardo.
we be pimpin'.
i felt i had to share how Lee-Unit has changed my life.
i am no longer afraid of that guy in my neighbourhood, to whom i used to pay protection money.
although he is 11 years of age.
hey some 11 year olds are intimidating.
look at jay chou.
wong and i now rule the streets of singapore.
i intend to have the 5day-week abolished,and make it into a 1day week.
thus, singaporeans will work 45hours in one day.
according to my comrades, one day has 53 hours, no?
thus they will work 45hours, then sleep the remaining 8.
what a healthy lifestyle we will have!
this resolution will be passed in parliament soon.
just you wait.
anyways, i have to go now.
to spread the word, to be a playa, to be a bad boy, to cause havoc.
to basically do things that someone from Lee-Unit would do.
in truth, my mother is asking me to help her fold her saris.
i shall duly oblige her.
LEE UNIT!!
whats been goin on?
word of lee-unit has been going round many circles.
wong and i have been taken note of.
its obvious.
lee unit was present in orchard road the other day.
in full force.
namely, wong and i.
we were on a mission.
to buy fancy, bling-bling clothings, and accessories, for the boy wonder.
our mission took us from far east plaza to the heeren.
at the end of a productive day, wong and i realized that we had outdone ourselves.
being true to our inherited- guangzhou roots, we bought....
nothing.
absolutely nothing.
well, except for this one drink at spinelli's.
but yeah.
shopping is not on Lee-unit's 'favourite things-to-do-list.'
beating up and killing people we dislike, however, is.
like that gay dude who winked at wong at long john's.
im thinking of finding him and using the following horrid torture method on him.
boy wonder's killa torture (not for the faint-hearted)
strap dude to table.
insert chopstick into right ear.
play stefanie sun's latest cd into dude's ear, put track 7(the slow sappy track, with chinese opera in the background) on repeat.
put a screen directly above his face, showing various annoying chinese advertisements( ie yomeishu products, hair-gaining products, something about vitality products, best denki...and all the rest.shudder).over and over.
dangle stale "pigs trotters" over dude's nose.
switch off his handphone.
i know, the last one is overdoing it a bit, but sometimes, Lee-unit has to show the masses, just who is in charge.
grrr.we so angry, nigaaa.
we've been getting stared at quite a bit actually.
apart from the fact that wong and i are uber-cool and all, i think the underground is wary of us.
when wong and i went into the newurbanmale shop at the heeren, we got many a stare.
we hastily exited the place, only because we didnt want to thrash the living daylights out of those 'oh-so-friendly' salesmen, whose sexual orientation is rather questionable.
our departure obviously had NOTHING to do with the fact that we were probably mistaken for a gay couple.
LEE-UNIT!!
i also realize that the easiest way to salvage/fix any of the following situations,
is by shouting 'lee-unit', very loudly.
a) a bad joke
"so the dude.........was actually a nun!! hahahaha! geddit?? no? damn. LEE UNIT!!
(cue uproarious laughter from others)
b) an awkward silence
"dude, you slept with my grand-auntie?"
"uhmm.yeah...sadly....shes only 64..ummmm...LEE UNIT!!
"ohh aiteeee dude! we cool!"
c) a messy situation with your girlfriend (not tested yet though)
"what? you forgot its our 15th year anniversary???? i hate you! i hate all men!"
"im soo sorry sweeetiee....jan 1st is such a hard date to remember!....LEE UNIT!!"
"oh its ok dear....let me give you a massage.."
d) getting caught by the police
"im sorry Sir, i clearly saw you empty 6 bullets into this man's skull. im going to have to arrest you now."
"aww man..really officer? i was just playing....i didnt know bullets could kill......LEE UNIT!!"
"oh well in that case! be more careful next time, Sir."
e) getting confronted by triad bosses
*menacing triad boss*"ohhh boy wonder...you gonna be very sorry for not paying up your gambling debt of $1 trillion. i am gonna keeeel you very slowly.."
"dude, is this completely necessary? i just placed a couple of bad bets...i mean who ever knew east timor couldnt beat brazil? LEE UNIT!!"
"ohhhhhh you have uttered the sacred words!*triad boss begins shaking all over*our debts are settled, boy-wonder. here is an extra $1million, simply because you have not killed me with your super strength.thank you."*bows, while retreating backwards*
represent. [courtesy of WPK, pte ltd]
but of course, the Lee-unit is not some social club.
neither is it a grown-up form of the girl guides(drooool)...no i mean boy scouts.
no.
we are 2 honourable individuals, bound by our honourable sense of honourable duty and moral honourable something......
i forget.
honour!
in turth, we're just 2 dudes who love doing random things.
for example, who else would be daring enough to try and order a "oreo spin" from spinelli's, when there is really no such drink?
hahahaha that took lots of guts on my part.
or perhaps just some stupidity.
sadly, we are presently not recruiting people into this elite unit.
the two of us were hand-picked by the legend, Lee Ding Lusar.
however, if we feel that you are worthy, we will put you through some gruelling tests.
such as:
eating pig's trotters.in a mud pit,amidst angry giant pigs.
reciting chinese poetry.while being held above a flame.
singing karaoke flawlessly.while drinking piping hot tea.
buying an entire wardrobe's worth of clothes.with only $2.
wearing a wrist band.a pink one.which is actually anti-abortion.(we think)
keeping a 5foot long pigtail.even if youre bald.
of course, wong and i cannot do any of the above, although we know some people who can.
but being founding members of this branch of the unit has its priveleges.
so many priveleges.
i have a bentley now, thanks to the respect that being in Lee-unit evokes.
wong rides a lamborghini gallardo.
we be pimpin'.
i felt i had to share how Lee-Unit has changed my life.
i am no longer afraid of that guy in my neighbourhood, to whom i used to pay protection money.
although he is 11 years of age.
hey some 11 year olds are intimidating.
look at jay chou.
wong and i now rule the streets of singapore.
i intend to have the 5day-week abolished,and make it into a 1day week.
thus, singaporeans will work 45hours in one day.
according to my comrades, one day has 53 hours, no?
thus they will work 45hours, then sleep the remaining 8.
what a healthy lifestyle we will have!
this resolution will be passed in parliament soon.
just you wait.
anyways, i have to go now.
to spread the word, to be a playa, to be a bad boy, to cause havoc.
to basically do things that someone from Lee-Unit would do.
in truth, my mother is asking me to help her fold her saris.
i shall duly oblige her.
LEE UNIT!!
posted by arzish at
9:44 AM
|
0 Comments
Thursday, March 17, 2005
straight outta guangzhou
Wassup everyone?
How y’all been?
Everything going ok on your side?
Life treatin you aite?
All fine and da…
Hey!
Yeah you…
Over there…
What you lookin at punk?
You wanna piece of me?
We got some beef don’t we yo’?
Don’t make me go hor-fun on your ass yo’!
You be messin with the wrong crew.
You be messin with
The Lee-Unit.
Forget g-unit.
Forget ruff ryderz.
Forget terror squad.
Forget flip-mode.
Forget the crips.
Forget the Reds.
Forget john gotti.
Till you seen…lee unit…
Yo i aint be playin homie..
Lemme educate your ignorant ass.
"Back in the late 90s/early 00s, terror and fear was rampant in
In the back alleys of
To combat the cruel landowners and the thugs on the street, farmers formed what was then know as :
Lee United,(lee) Not In Trouble.
57 Lees joined forces.
This included…
Lee Ping Frog, Lee Ring Perv, Lee King Faucet, to name but a few.
Using their inherent pugilistic skills, and lots of farm tools, they defeated their enemies.
Sadly, 56 of the Lees passed away.
Not very peacefully, I might add.
Last week, I was having some noodles at the nearby hawker center.
As I aggressively stared at everyone for the heck of it, an old drink seller approached me.
He said, “boy ah (colloquial for ‘playa’), ive been looking for someone to hand over the mantle to. You look like you are just the man.
After saying this, he gave me a small amulet.
He proceeded to say that I had been inducted into…
The Lee Unit.
Yes my friends, this was the legendary Lee Ding Lusar.
I had only heard of him in legends that I read about in the Chinese mythology books I voraciously read.
Yes, as convoluted as that may sound, he was something out of a story book to me.
The final remaining Lee.
He proceeded to tell me the story of how, after defeating the enemies of the Lee unit, only he remained alive. He was then targeted by ferocious imported African-Americans, who wanted to be the only ‘unit’ in the province. Thugs such as 50 renminbi and Yang Buk attempted to kill the weakened Lee, and he escaped to
Lee was getting old, and a tad senile perhaps.
He wanted to continue the lineage of the Lee unit.
He recruited this dude whose name he thought was Wong Pei Kin(WPK). This bloke looks Chinese, but is actually Malay.
Thus, Lee regretted the folly of his ways, and decided to recruit a real man.
One who would fight for the rights of the under-privileged.
One who could handle some fisticufs.
One who would be loyal to his mates.
He was looking for someone like...
the boy wonder.
He found me using his keen sense of feng shui.
Or the metal plate with the GPS system embedded in his skull.
You see, the Lee unit is no longer restricted to mainlanders.
Its been passed on to 2 guys who possess super human strength, looks, wit, charm, and conviction.
Or are plain delusional.
He told me our aim.
To take on and wipe all all objectionable elements out there
And look good doing it.
After uttering these prophetic words, he went back to selling teh and milo (colloquial for brandy and whiskey respectively).
Fret not, nigga.
Lee-Unit will be ever willing,
To bust some wanton on your ass.
So now you get the full picture, don’t you?
When WPK and I drive round in our 'LeeMobile', with Jacky Cheung blaring outta the speakers, show us some respect, yeah.
Resspecttttttttttttttttttt.
Give us some kway teow(colloquial for marijuana) or sumthin.
Please?
Or we’ll go loco on you…like a chinese woman at metro’s year end sale.
Lee Unit.
Represent, mofo.
Cos we be pimpin’.
our anthem :
把自己全身都打掃一遍 每分每秒鐘 雀躍的心情 自動慢延
NEVER CRY 把眼淚變成白雪藏起來
我愿IM ALWAYS HERE化成一座大樹
挂滿LOVING YOU FOREVER GIRL了禮物 任你擺布
its colloquial for:
"Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When they come for you"
(i swearrrrrrr it is!!)
be safe.
posted by arzish at
9:21 AM
|
0 Comments
Saturday, March 12, 2005
the scent of a woman
Aite im back.
Stupid tag-board cocked up big time, so the blog died for a while.
but ive returned.
whats been goin on in the life of the boy wonder, you may ask?
Nothing.
Zilch.
Im sitting here, trying to recall all the interesting stuff I was supposed to put on this entry.
But I cant remember anything.
Have you been doing weed?
Been heading the soccer ball too much?
The smell.
The scent.
The stench.
anyone who has been to my office would bear testament.
people have begun to avoid my office due to it.
It is a smell which is unusual, to say the least.
Try this.
the scent of the mpo office
Take one decaying rat.
Add some stale ammonia.
Throw in some pig’s intestines, for good measure.
Insert a dash of‘le essence de skunk’.
Sprinkle a few stale socks, for taste.
Yes, that’s roughly it.
At first, I attributed the smell to my boss.
She smells horrid.i doubt she ever bathes.
But nowadays, ive been suspecting something else.
Something….a tad more sinister.
Many years ago, my office used to be under the supervision of an Inspector Pun Yi.
Or some typical chinese name.
Things were happy.
People got promoted as promised.
They received regular pay raises and bonuses.
Morale was good.
When manpower was required, it was always distributed out fairly and without hassle.
Basically, things were the opposite of what they are today.
Probably because the supervisor was a good one.
A regular officer.
Someone who understood the other officers, was reasonable, yet firm.
And then one day, he disappeared.
As quickly as a Singaporean catches on to a Western fad, he was gone.
He disappeared without a trace.
To be replaced by a new breed.
Of incapable, biased, moody, uber-unreasonable, ‘civilian officers.’
Female civilians.
Imagine the horror of the officers on the ground.
They were now to be ordered around…by an inexperienced woman??
Nay! Banish the thought!
Yet, thats how it was to be.
No wonder the rate of police officers committing suicide shot up dramatically.
To my amazement, till this very day, there is still mail that we receive, addressed to ‘Inspector Pun Yi.’
And it gets me to thinking.
Where has this man disappeared to?
I was at a complete loss for the answer to that question, as well as another million questions, like how ‘Living with
But last week, I made an interesting observation.
There is a cupboard behind me, a metal one, which is rarely ever opened.
It is always locked. i mean always.
Only 2 people have access to it.
My boss, and this other colleague, Stephen.
You all know what a moron my boss is.
But she too is overshadowed by the sheer incompetence of this Stephen.
To say he is stupid would be an insult to George Bush.
I think he is technically retarded.
No, I don’t mean it as an insult.
I mean it.
As in medically, I think his brain never really formed properly.
I asked him for the keys to this cupboard.
He replies, in a zombie-like voice:
“I lost them leh.”
I could have sworn he had the keys on his table.in front of him.
but he insisted they were the keys to something else.
I get the feeling that there is something in the cupboard that the dark side does not want me to see.
they looked to be in good condition.
why were they there?
and ive been sporadically finding pieces of police clothing.
in this cupboard.
in that drawer.
in this cubicle in the women's toilet.
ok no cancel the last one.
ive come to a shocking, if not obvious conclusion.
I suspect, and it scares me to say this, that the ex- head manpower of my division lies dead in this cupboard.
How else can you explain the secrecy?
The mysterious ‘loss of keys’?
The boots and uniform pieces?
The mail still being sent to us?
The smell!!!!!!!!
The drooling and stammering?
Oh wait, that’s due to Stephen's lack of brain.
Nonetheless, the boy wonder will get to the bottom of this.
Knowing how I like bottoms and all.
i am an investigative genius.
i mean recently, i discovered, all on my own, that the potato thing i always order from the malay stall is actually called 'bergedil,' and not 'burger dill.'
no wonder the makcik kept going..."apa?!?!?!"
a) my boss’ body odour
b) a dead body
sigh.
somehow, I hope its b).
at least then, we can get rid of the smell.
once and for all.
Pray for me.
and my olfactory senses.
In other news, I met my squad boys the other day.
Happy ORD, cocks.
I’ll be joining you guys soon.
I cant wait.
I had an interesting epiphany.
The other day, while I sat with frinn at al-azhar, I realized something.
I realized that with her, we’re just happy being in each other’s company.
Theres no need to actually do anything, or go anywhere.
Sure, you may say “yeah arzish, its cos
Au contraire, mi amigo.
See, what we have is very special.
We can actually sit down and just talk to each other for hours.
Just stare into one another’s eyes, and revel in each other’s love.
It truly is a very unique feeling.
To be totally at ease, totally yourself, with someone.
And to be loved unequivocally, while you are being yourself.
Now that really is something very few people ever get in their entire lives.
And here we are, frinn and I.
After roughly 9months, we’re still very much ‘in love.’
When the both of you can be extremely satisfied and content, simply by having ‘iced tea’ and ‘pizza murtabak’, you know that this relationship is meant to last.
And it just reiterates my feelings.
That she is the one.
Ok seriously, that’s it for now.
Loadsa love to all my buddies.
And frinn.
I leave you with one helluva song.
You’ll get down on your muthaf***in knees
And it’s time for your sickness again
Come on and tell me what you need
Tell me what is making you bleed
Hey mr. policeman
Is it time for getting away
Is it time for driving down the muthaf***in’ road
And running from your ass today
posted by arzish at
10:53 AM
|
0 Comments
Monday, March 07, 2005
township rebellion
I am the enemy
I am the antidote
Watch me closely
I will stand up - now
We will rise Rise above
"we will rise" - arch-enemy
Ah well.
Shes gone and done it.
Shes gone and pushed me over the proverbial edge.
The she im referring to here is not my very perfect girlfriend.
The she im referring to here is not occassionally dramatic mother.(shes indian, you see)
The she im referring to here is not my kid sister.
The she im referring to here is….my boss.
I aint even sure if she can even be termed a 'she'.
never mind.
Bottom line is that things are gonna be different from now.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, screws around with my hard earned leave.
And gets away with it.
So, my gender-challenged supervisor, let the games begin.
im gonna be keeping track of how I screw her over.
on a daily basis.
its gonna be fun guys.
Trust the boy wonder.
How I screwed over the supervisor
Day 1(today)
Didn’t bother submitting nominations for some big course.
Deadline was…umm…3pm today?…….
Oh dear..oh dear oh dear oh dear me.
How ‘tardy’ and irresponsible of me!!
whatever will I do?
Gloat perhaps?
Hahaha I like this.
Shouldve started it wayyy earlier.
Ok enough of that.
The other day, I was in the bus, and one of my friends boarded.
Hes the lead singer of a "death-metal" band here in singapore.
I spoke to him..
Mere pleasantries….
Hi how are you hows your throat etc etc
It got me to wondering
All these hardcore death metal singers, do they always sound that hoarse and satanic?
I mean, the dude on the bus (roslan, im talkin bout meza virs lead)…he looks kinda nerdy and wimpy. and sounds very normal.
Of course, his on-stage persona is that of a scary, almost demonic, growling lunatic.
Just the way we like ‘em.
I digress.
Ever wondered how the lead singer of say, cradle of filth, killswitch engage, or even slayer, sounds when doing a daily chore?
I can just imagine it…
*at a fast food joint*
death - metal band’s lead singer (lets call him shagrath, for convenience sake) : (in a high pitch, hyper squeal) hi there! what a pleasant day it is today! I feel like a million butterflies in a field of green! How is your day so far?
fast food attendant (tim): umm...arent you the lead singer of ‘cannibal-maggot-zombie-vomit’ ?
*or insert generic death-metal band name here*?? (Tim is puzzled, since shagrath chose to wear his favourite pink bicycle shorts and torn singlet. Alas, he did not remove his uber-menacing face paint, and his entire body is still covered in tattoos of pentagrams)
Shagrath : why yes I am! of course, you can call me Serendipity. My parents, who were founders of a hippie movement in Iowa, named me such. Contrary to popular belief, I do not hail from any scandinavian country. The only part thing remotely scandinavian in me is the Viking hotdog I digested last night!
Tim: dude….i thought you’d be….you know….scarier?
Shagrath : Nooooo nooooo…don’t be ridiculous …scary and me go together like black rappers and a university education! I wouldn’t even hurt an ant! When im not on stage preaching death and telling my unruly disciples to ritualistically disembowel and then decapitate their neighbours in the name of the great Lucifer, I actually enjoy sniffing on fine wines and looking at pretty paintings. I also like to take my pet Labrador, Fan-fan, out on long jogs along the beautiful beach, where I watch the sun set, read Shakespeare and Keats,and practice yoga. im really just your average lead singer of a hugely popular death-metal band…that’s all, timmy boy!
Tim : dude…..wtf? Serendipity? Sniffing on fine wine? Are all you guys like this?
Shagrath : why yes my boy…..in fact, all the lead singers of death-metal bands have come together and set up an association known as the ‘Fearsome Artistes Guild(F.A.G.).
We also collectively appreciate knitted artworks’…
*huge rumbling noise erupts*
ohhhhh dear me…where are my manners…pardon my rumbling tum-tum…I would like to make an order….
Tim : Go ahead, serendipity
Shagrath : I’d like…1 chicken salad, minus the dressing and croutons, with more lettuce. 1 diet pepsi, minus the lemon. And half a cup of yoghurt …oooh that is such a sin!
That’s is soo unhealthy! Naughty naughty serendipity.Naughty! No no cancel the yoghurt..my my what was I thinking…*gives Tim a huge bunch of coins*
Tim : dude..wtf…*hands shagrath his very queer order of food*
Shagrath : thank you dear! You go on and have a great day! Im just so happy! *hops away from counter..leaving behind one, very traumatized, ex-fan of ‘cannibal-maggot-zombie-vomit’*….
Yeah, thats the scenario that went through my mind when I saw the dude on the bus.
Anyways, as much as I’d love to continue blogging, I have to leave this hellhole of an office.
Note to self : dude, you still gotta blog about that cursed british band, busted.
and the squad 8 outing .
also, arzish, remember, M&Ms that fall into the drain should not be eaten.
Remember that!
aite, right now, I gotta bust this joint.
Love to all those who matter.
Im out.
I am the antidote
Watch me closely
I will stand up - now
We will rise Rise above
"we will rise" - arch-enemy
Ah well.
Shes gone and done it.
Shes gone and pushed me over the proverbial edge.
The she im referring to here is not my very perfect girlfriend.
The she im referring to here is not occassionally dramatic mother.(shes indian, you see)
The she im referring to here is not my kid sister.
The she im referring to here is….my boss.
I aint even sure if she can even be termed a 'she'.
never mind.
Bottom line is that things are gonna be different from now.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, screws around with my hard earned leave.
And gets away with it.
So, my gender-challenged supervisor, let the games begin.
im gonna be keeping track of how I screw her over.
on a daily basis.
its gonna be fun guys.
Trust the boy wonder.
How I screwed over the supervisor
Day 1(today)
Didn’t bother submitting nominations for some big course.
Deadline was…umm…3pm today?…….
Oh dear..oh dear oh dear oh dear me.
How ‘tardy’ and irresponsible of me!!
whatever will I do?
Gloat perhaps?
Hahaha I like this.
Shouldve started it wayyy earlier.
Ok enough of that.
The other day, I was in the bus, and one of my friends boarded.
Hes the lead singer of a "death-metal" band here in singapore.
I spoke to him..
Mere pleasantries….
Hi how are you hows your throat etc etc
It got me to wondering
All these hardcore death metal singers, do they always sound that hoarse and satanic?
I mean, the dude on the bus (roslan, im talkin bout meza virs lead)…he looks kinda nerdy and wimpy. and sounds very normal.
Of course, his on-stage persona is that of a scary, almost demonic, growling lunatic.
Just the way we like ‘em.
I digress.
Ever wondered how the lead singer of say, cradle of filth, killswitch engage, or even slayer, sounds when doing a daily chore?
I can just imagine it…
*at a fast food joint*
death - metal band’s lead singer (lets call him shagrath, for convenience sake) : (in a high pitch, hyper squeal) hi there! what a pleasant day it is today! I feel like a million butterflies in a field of green! How is your day so far?
fast food attendant (tim): umm...arent you the lead singer of ‘cannibal-maggot-zombie-vomit’ ?
*or insert generic death-metal band name here*?? (Tim is puzzled, since shagrath chose to wear his favourite pink bicycle shorts and torn singlet. Alas, he did not remove his uber-menacing face paint, and his entire body is still covered in tattoos of pentagrams)
Shagrath : why yes I am! of course, you can call me Serendipity. My parents, who were founders of a hippie movement in Iowa, named me such. Contrary to popular belief, I do not hail from any scandinavian country. The only part thing remotely scandinavian in me is the Viking hotdog I digested last night!
Tim: dude….i thought you’d be….you know….scarier?
Shagrath : Nooooo nooooo…don’t be ridiculous …scary and me go together like black rappers and a university education! I wouldn’t even hurt an ant! When im not on stage preaching death and telling my unruly disciples to ritualistically disembowel and then decapitate their neighbours in the name of the great Lucifer, I actually enjoy sniffing on fine wines and looking at pretty paintings. I also like to take my pet Labrador, Fan-fan, out on long jogs along the beautiful beach, where I watch the sun set, read Shakespeare and Keats,and practice yoga. im really just your average lead singer of a hugely popular death-metal band…that’s all, timmy boy!
Tim : dude…..wtf? Serendipity? Sniffing on fine wine? Are all you guys like this?
Shagrath : why yes my boy…..in fact, all the lead singers of death-metal bands have come together and set up an association known as the ‘Fearsome Artistes Guild(F.A.G.).
We also collectively appreciate knitted artworks’…
*huge rumbling noise erupts*
ohhhhh dear me…where are my manners…pardon my rumbling tum-tum…I would like to make an order….
Tim : Go ahead, serendipity
Shagrath : I’d like…1 chicken salad, minus the dressing and croutons, with more lettuce. 1 diet pepsi, minus the lemon. And half a cup of yoghurt …oooh that is such a sin!
That’s is soo unhealthy! Naughty naughty serendipity.Naughty! No no cancel the yoghurt..my my what was I thinking…*gives Tim a huge bunch of coins*
Tim : dude..wtf…*hands shagrath his very queer order of food*
Shagrath : thank you dear! You go on and have a great day! Im just so happy! *hops away from counter..leaving behind one, very traumatized, ex-fan of ‘cannibal-maggot-zombie-vomit’*….
Yeah, thats the scenario that went through my mind when I saw the dude on the bus.
Anyways, as much as I’d love to continue blogging, I have to leave this hellhole of an office.
Note to self : dude, you still gotta blog about that cursed british band, busted.
and the squad 8 outing .
also, arzish, remember, M&Ms that fall into the drain should not be eaten.
Remember that!
aite, right now, I gotta bust this joint.
Love to all those who matter.
Im out.
posted by arzish at
1:44 AM
|
0 Comments
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
confessions of a dangerous mind
i now sit......in the ORD chair.
all the police guys will know where this is.
its the corner desk in my office.
where the ORD personnel sit.
and waste their days away.
true, i still have loads of work to do, but somehow, im stagnating.
im counting the days to my ORD.
and strangely, im reminiscing about my NS stint more and more.
about all the good times and times ive had in NS.
all the people ive met.
all the stuff ive been through, albeit with the help of my buddies.
all the parties we've gone for.
all the drinks we've had.
all the dumb things we've done.
but i suddenly remembered a story i had been meaning to blog about for a while now.
it took place back in sec 4(circa 2000) in my lovely secondary school of Gan Eng Seng.
For the unitiated, GESS was a total neighbourhood school with its fair share of gangsters and hooligans.
My parents felt i should get a more holistic education, via a co-ed school, and thus dumped me in the god-forsaken school known as...GESS.
i mean it didnt turn out that bad.
but still....a school where the first language is chinese can never be high up on my 'favourite schools' list.
anyways im digressing.
my class was pretty docile, compared to the other classes, where pen-knife fights and severe beatings were a norm.
my best friends in class were jeevan(this turbanned sikh dude who still exists), rudy(this psychotic malay boy who...still exists), arthur(this loaded chinese bloke who..has disappeared into oblivion) and nyan(this burmese dude who..frequently tags my board)
anywhoo....the incident took place after the dreaded O levels.
we had booked a chalet.the entire class.
some of the people stayed over 2 nights, some just 1 night.
my friends and i stayed over both nights, except for the burmese boy.
incidentally, my bayee friend, jeevan, decided to cut his turban before the chalet.
his defining feature, ie his grey turban, was ritualistically chopped off by some semi-drunk barber.
and that was a major thing.
for 4 years, none of us had ever seen his forehead.
to us, it was a very strange sight when we finally saw it.
its like......dude, you mean you had a forehead all these years??nawwwwwwww!!
nobody could recognize him.
he looked very different.
i mean obviously.
the dude was missing part of his head for heaven's sakes.
funny thing is when a sikh dude cuts off his turban, his forehead appears like...5 shades lighter than the rest of his face.
quite a contrast.
nvm im digressing.
anyways , after the initial uproarious laughter, jeevan and i hatched a devious plan.
we decided to dupe..the burmese kid.*cue evil laughter*
we hatched up an elaborate plan.
jeevan was to assume the identity of "ingram", my slightly-psychotic cousin from america.
dont even ask how we came up with the name (Jack Daniels had a say)
it was gonna be hella funny.
soon enough, nyan(ie burmese kid) arrived in our room.
all the guys knew what was going on, except for him.
so we all sat on the bed and played PS.
nyan was lookin at "ingram" in an awkward manner...he looked scared.
the conversation went a bit like this:
nyan : whose your friend arzish?
arzish : oh dude hes my cousin from the US. his name is ingram. *whispers in nyans ear* dude, hes a bit psycho.be careful ok.
nyan : ok loh.
*ingram gives nyan a very menacing smile and mutters something*
we continue playing PS. winning eleven, the soccer game.
nyan plays against me, and scores...
*ingram mutters, bangs hand on bed and says "damn bloody hell kill"*
nyan begins to feel very distrubed.
i score a goal.
*ingram goes "uh huh kill kill" and makes a strange growling noise"
nyan begins to feel very.....frightened.
all the other guys are stifling their laughter and lookin on, very amused.
nyan scores another goal.
and that was it.
it was a moment of pure, unadulterated acting genius.
ingram leapt from his seat, grabbed a knife conveniently lying nearby, grabbed nyan from behind, and put the knife to his throat.
after which, ingram shouted,
"thats it boy.im gonna kill you.kill you!"*growl growl*
the look on my friend nyan's face at that moment, was absolutely priceless.
i hate nokia for not having invented camera phones earlier, depriving me of the oppurtunity to capture that facial expression forever.
he will never repeat that facial expression in his life.
never again.
his face was contorted, and emanated pure fear.
but he was clenching his teeth as well, because he was angry, you see.
angry that arzish's psychotic cousin was going to kill him.
angry that he would not be able to celebrate his first-ever victory in any PS game.
angry that he would die without his first kiss.
i, being the natural actor that i am, compounded things, by shouting at ingram.
i was shouting "dude!dont do it! youve already killed one person in the states! you said you'd change your ways.dont do it now! if you really wanna do him in, hes my neighbour dude! we can kill him some other time! nahhh bro dont do it again!"
yeah, i guess i wasnt helpin much.
after this tirade, i proceeded to tackle ingram. rugby-style.
and put the knife on the table.
nyan, who seemed to have wet himself, was relieved.
after which, everyone burst into laughter.
laughter which would continue for hours.
except for one, sad little burmese boy.
yeah, these are the weird kinda things that have consistenlty occurred in my life.
and have greatly amused me.
most people remember all the races/matches theyve won.
and the exams in which theyve triumphed.
but the boy wodner prefers to remember the stranger incidents he has witnessed during his time on this tiny dot in the universe.
thats it for today.
love to all.
looking forward to the orchard gang reunion~~
au revoir.
all the police guys will know where this is.
its the corner desk in my office.
where the ORD personnel sit.
and waste their days away.
true, i still have loads of work to do, but somehow, im stagnating.
im counting the days to my ORD.
and strangely, im reminiscing about my NS stint more and more.
about all the good times and times ive had in NS.
all the people ive met.
all the stuff ive been through, albeit with the help of my buddies.
all the parties we've gone for.
all the drinks we've had.
all the dumb things we've done.
but i suddenly remembered a story i had been meaning to blog about for a while now.
it took place back in sec 4(circa 2000) in my lovely secondary school of Gan Eng Seng.
For the unitiated, GESS was a total neighbourhood school with its fair share of gangsters and hooligans.
My parents felt i should get a more holistic education, via a co-ed school, and thus dumped me in the god-forsaken school known as...GESS.
i mean it didnt turn out that bad.
but still....a school where the first language is chinese can never be high up on my 'favourite schools' list.
anyways im digressing.
my class was pretty docile, compared to the other classes, where pen-knife fights and severe beatings were a norm.
my best friends in class were jeevan(this turbanned sikh dude who still exists), rudy(this psychotic malay boy who...still exists), arthur(this loaded chinese bloke who..has disappeared into oblivion) and nyan(this burmese dude who..frequently tags my board)
anywhoo....the incident took place after the dreaded O levels.
we had booked a chalet.the entire class.
some of the people stayed over 2 nights, some just 1 night.
my friends and i stayed over both nights, except for the burmese boy.
incidentally, my bayee friend, jeevan, decided to cut his turban before the chalet.
his defining feature, ie his grey turban, was ritualistically chopped off by some semi-drunk barber.
and that was a major thing.
for 4 years, none of us had ever seen his forehead.
to us, it was a very strange sight when we finally saw it.
its like......dude, you mean you had a forehead all these years??nawwwwwwww!!
nobody could recognize him.
he looked very different.
i mean obviously.
the dude was missing part of his head for heaven's sakes.
funny thing is when a sikh dude cuts off his turban, his forehead appears like...5 shades lighter than the rest of his face.
quite a contrast.
nvm im digressing.
anyways , after the initial uproarious laughter, jeevan and i hatched a devious plan.
we decided to dupe..the burmese kid.*cue evil laughter*
we hatched up an elaborate plan.
jeevan was to assume the identity of "ingram", my slightly-psychotic cousin from america.
dont even ask how we came up with the name (Jack Daniels had a say)
it was gonna be hella funny.
soon enough, nyan(ie burmese kid) arrived in our room.
all the guys knew what was going on, except for him.
so we all sat on the bed and played PS.
nyan was lookin at "ingram" in an awkward manner...he looked scared.
the conversation went a bit like this:
nyan : whose your friend arzish?
arzish : oh dude hes my cousin from the US. his name is ingram. *whispers in nyans ear* dude, hes a bit psycho.be careful ok.
nyan : ok loh.
*ingram gives nyan a very menacing smile and mutters something*
we continue playing PS. winning eleven, the soccer game.
nyan plays against me, and scores...
*ingram mutters, bangs hand on bed and says "damn bloody hell kill"*
nyan begins to feel very distrubed.
i score a goal.
*ingram goes "uh huh kill kill" and makes a strange growling noise"
nyan begins to feel very.....frightened.
all the other guys are stifling their laughter and lookin on, very amused.
nyan scores another goal.
and that was it.
it was a moment of pure, unadulterated acting genius.
ingram leapt from his seat, grabbed a knife conveniently lying nearby, grabbed nyan from behind, and put the knife to his throat.
after which, ingram shouted,
"thats it boy.im gonna kill you.kill you!"*growl growl*
the look on my friend nyan's face at that moment, was absolutely priceless.
i hate nokia for not having invented camera phones earlier, depriving me of the oppurtunity to capture that facial expression forever.
he will never repeat that facial expression in his life.
never again.
his face was contorted, and emanated pure fear.
but he was clenching his teeth as well, because he was angry, you see.
angry that arzish's psychotic cousin was going to kill him.
angry that he would not be able to celebrate his first-ever victory in any PS game.
angry that he would die without his first kiss.
i, being the natural actor that i am, compounded things, by shouting at ingram.
i was shouting "dude!dont do it! youve already killed one person in the states! you said you'd change your ways.dont do it now! if you really wanna do him in, hes my neighbour dude! we can kill him some other time! nahhh bro dont do it again!"
yeah, i guess i wasnt helpin much.
after this tirade, i proceeded to tackle ingram. rugby-style.
and put the knife on the table.
nyan, who seemed to have wet himself, was relieved.
after which, everyone burst into laughter.
laughter which would continue for hours.
except for one, sad little burmese boy.
yeah, these are the weird kinda things that have consistenlty occurred in my life.
and have greatly amused me.
most people remember all the races/matches theyve won.
and the exams in which theyve triumphed.
but the boy wodner prefers to remember the stranger incidents he has witnessed during his time on this tiny dot in the universe.
thats it for today.
love to all.
looking forward to the orchard gang reunion~~
au revoir.
posted by arzish at
1:05 AM
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