be yourself

Apologies for not havin updated this thing for so long..

Ive begun the pleasurable ritual of clearing my leave for my National Service.
This basically means im done with work.
Goodbye work,
Hello slacking.

Strangely, since I began clearing leave this on Monday, I haven’t had time to update my blog.
Ironic, given that one would think I’d have countless hours at my disposal, since I am on leave….
Ive been spending my free time with people who matter the most to me.
Namely, my family, my friends, and frinn.
Be it slacking with lee unit at the railway station, or sitting on a bench with frinn,
Life couldn’t be better.

Of course, im not going to kid myself.

Soon enough, this blissful hiatus will become a thing of my distant memory.
Something resigned to the archives of not only my blog, but of my mind as well.

So every day of this holidae is a day worth remembering.

It could be breaking a red light with my lee unit boys.
It could be talking for hours with my girl.
It could be eating at a coffee shop with my dad, and listening to his stories of days gone by.
Whatever it is, im blessed with something that the majority of people only wish they had.
Free time.

How often do you get a full 3months break, sans homework and classes?
For me, this is a first.

As Ronald McDonald [aka the cheating mcD] once told me after a lovely date with me,
“I’m lovin’ it!”

in all honesty, I don’t have much to write about today.
Suffice to say, my brain is malfunctioning left, right and center.

heres a funny spoof of that super-annoying
‘drop it like its hot’ song…

drop it like a FOB

for information’s sake, fob means ‘fresh off the boat’.
Its an accurate representation of the trillions of Indian dudes who immigrate to America (amm-ricca as hardcore Indians say it)…
Well its not really a movie or anything…just an amateur video
No not that kinda video…egads 3 hairy Indian dudes in that kinda video?
Please spare me the trauma

I don’t know …
one the one hand, I myself have encountered countless hordes of these “hello I am from yindia I yam in IT” types…
to put it bluntly, theyre awkward and disillusioned

some of them are oh-so-horny and sleazy.(vant to play with my joystick, sexy?)
Now I aint one to go round hating.
But surely you must have seen these dudes, with their thick Indian accents, huge spectacles, checkered shirts, pasty complexion, and not forgetting that vital ingredient, super oily hair.

I saw one dude at a club approaching every chick who walked by him with this gem of a pickup line…
“hello I work for an mnc…vud you like to have a coke?on me on me!”
all the girls were like…”what? Mnc? Sorry? Youre an emcee? You need an mc? Loser!”
needless to say, he picked up nothing but a sore throat that night.

But I was thinking, If I were them, how would I behave?

I’d probably act the same way.
It’s a culture.
This Indian-geek phenom is a cultural thing, like the slack chain-smoking mat, or the lancer-modifying ah beng .
I guess because there are so many strands of the Indian race available here, that several different types of the Indian guy has emerged.

The typical Indian guy can be one of the following :

Normal studious momma’s-boy type (still has his milk every morning, while mommy makes sure his hair is properly center-parted)
Super IT geek (0 pussy in 233320019 attempts)
Jay-Sean wannabe (seen at clubs. made out with some random chicks, but only after practicing with his best mate...you guys all know I aint even lying)
Super tamley anjack hero (usually has a generic name, like rajah, or vignesh. intimidating, and has a skewed fashion sense. can be nice people. Will either end up in jail or as a drug peddler)
rocker fella (the metal-loving, head banging gig frequenting type. Note:is unable to wear any other colour, except for black.and more black.maybe some very dark gray, but that’s pushing your luck)
manjan-wannabe (listens to canto-pop and watches Chinese serials.daily)

there are a few more but im beginning to get disturbingly lazy.

one last thing…

The other day, during this stupid biz-ad welcome tea, I saw what, to me, was irony personified.

As I sat in my customary place in the back row of the lecture theater, I saw, in front of me, a Chinese couple.
As the Indian lecturer dude, complete with heavy-accent, took to the mic, he said,
“I also stadied in dha youuu-ass…”
The couple began giggling to one another, while others suppressed their amusement to maintain a sense of decorum.

Later on, I heard the both of them speak to one another.
Holy god, they were hardcore PRC people!
They said something like….”issssshhhhhh vrrrrrrrrrrr kowrrrrrrrrrrr”
I think they meant it was cold.
So I guffawed.
Like a giraffe on cocaine.

And it occurred to me, I bet theres someone out there, just observing me, and laughing his/her guts out, at my inadequacies.

Maybe even some readers of this very blog think im some lame sorry excuse for a human being.
Whatever makes you happy dude/dudette.

I rule.
You don’t.

Boy wonder signin off from what has been a very hap-hazard and convoluted blog entry.
As the Indian dude in mind your language used to say,
“a thousandddd apologies”
now I gotta pursue my “suspect night-time activities”
Im out.

no more lies

I am one angsty young man right now.
One outraged individual.
Ive never felt so cheated.
i feel as cheated as someone who goes orders kai lan in oyster sauce, and gets kai lan in light oyster sauce.

Yes I feel that outraged.

If outrage were my currency, I’d be typing from a private jet right now.

Injustice has been done.

As I was taking a break from my daily reading of the south china post, lianhe ziabao, lianhe zeebao, and lianhe cheebye, I thought,
"oooh i like runny eggs"
and then i thought,
“maybeeeer I shudd reattt the engrishhh papers”

so I went and read the straits times.
As I was flipping through the newspapers, I scanned for pictures of pretty Chinese women.
After all, that’s what all Chinese men between 11 and 111 do, don’t they?
“Aiyah Fiona xie!!!”

“Eh wei jie, go buy newspaper leh!!!
Why leh wei chin? Got news on the impending world war right?
No lah dun be stupidddddd!! Got picture of fann wong! And that *insert uber-bimbo actress here*
Aiyah how silly! forget WWIII! I prefer seeing the new miss Singapore
universe….mmmmmmmmmm….droool" [kill krush kripple]

Anyways, I digressed.
Where was i.
Oh yeah, I was angry.
Right right.
Roaaaaaaar.

So anyways, something I saw caught my eye.

A slimming ad.
NO, not that amazingly traumatic, hideous picture of olindo….
I had to have eye and brain surgery after seeing that pic…
And my left eye still twitches randomly as a result…
Sigh

I chanced upon this :

'the boy wonder introduces himself to the rather inanimate woman'

Yes, sometimes, due to my pint size, I, the boy wonder, enjoy walking along the newspaper…it helps me get over my far-sightedness.

As I read over the ad, I realized that there was something very strange about it.
There was a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture, as with all stupid slimming ads.

But I realized, using my immense brainpower, and my super-sight,
that….

The woman had not only lost 3 inches off her waist…

She had, get this,

AGED 10 years

and

GROWN 60cm

Look at the pic!
The shorter girl seems like she is 12years of age, and 3 feet tall.
Suddenly, after going through a few weeks of this magic programme, shes morphed into a decent [according to my manjan buds] chick.

Seriously, how did they make a young midget into a normal chick in a few weeks.
Just how dumb do they think Singaporeans are? They cant be the same person!!!
this blatant disrespect for the super smart average Singaporean simply enraged me.
Fret not, I have backup valium lying around.
Good stuff.

The company, named “Sum Kum Pa-Knee pte ltd” have no telephone listings.
If you try and approach their staff at their HQ in little India[of all places], the 3 deformed women only answer in grunts and groans.
i ran away before they could try and eat me with their mee pok.

Boy wonder tried to investigate this massive scam, but retreated when I saw who inhabited the office with the title ‘manager’.
Moses Lim.
Yes, my arch-nemesis.
He, of the prophetic name.
He was running the show.
I must enlist the help of Wong to take down the behemoth.
I must.
For the good of mankind.
And all the ladiessssss……….uhhhh playa playa...
I kid I kid.

I did some intel work and found out the following.
Once you enlist for this programme, the deranged scientists, imported from szechuan, go to work.

These cruel scientists, they :

1. Force you to listen to the constant crooning of Jackie cheung and the Beijing opera troupe, so that you visibly age.

2. Feed you, via intra-venous drips, dirty dish water, from the nearest “crystal jade palace kingdom imperial province” kitchen; thus forcing your body to shrivel and shrink.

3. Tell 2 tai-tais[middle aged rich Chinese women who have no jobs but rich philandering husbands] that you are actually a piece of “louis vuitton hand-baggage”, and that you are the last of a limited edition. As a result, the 2 women pull you from opposite directions, with such great force and fervour, that you instantly grow by roughly 3 feet.

The end result?

From being an adolescent Chinese female of 140cm, you morph into a 20-something year old Chinese woman of 200cm.

All within 3 easy sessions.
Hell, if you call early, they’ll throw in free facial hair, boobs, and, lo and behold, a behind!
Or so I have hypothesized.

I felt it was my duty as the boy wonder, and as a member of the prestigious lee-unit, to expose this scandal of epic proportions….
Yes epic proportions.
Hell, from 140 cm to 200cm is ‘epic proportions’ in any book.
The model in question, a Ms. Mee Sum Chik, was not available for comment.
Maybe she died from the dish water.

So all readers, spread the word.
Don’t go for this farcical hoax of a slimming programme.
You’ll end up 3 feet taller, 15years older, and Chinese.

Be wary……..

All else is well in my world.
O-R-D….

Love to family, frinn[kiss kiss and every single one of my friends.
Love y’all.
im out.

blackhole sun

Today I drove to work.

Yeah I know, its not a big deal at all.
But I aint blogging about the fact that I know drive a car.
A white Toyota.
Gf and I bequeathed him the honourable name of…‘fitty’.
If you missed out on the irony of a white car being named after a black rapper, then you aint too bright.

While driving, I switched on the radio. Simply because my mom had taken the liberty of taking out all my rap and rock cds and keeping them at home, since they contained “verrry bad words”.
Sigh.it aint easy having an indian mom. tho i love her.

Anywhoo, I heard some annoying deejay on the radio exclaiming,

“the next song is dedeeecated to ching chong, tan tan, bunny, alex, lilian and the whole sec 2G of *some neighbourhood school*, from Geraldine aka meow meow.
Heres….
Audioslave - Like A Stone
I theeenk chris cornell is soo cute lah!!
Enjoy ah!”

Upon hearing this, I immediately tried to swerve my car into the nearest lamp-post, in a valiant attempt to take my own life.
Alas, fitty, much like his namesake, simply refused to die.

I felt a searing pain going through my entire body.
My vision blurred, and my mind went blank.
The fact that I managed to get to work in one piece is a wonder.
As big a wonder as the answer to the eternal question…
“why do ugly women bother to wear nice clothes?”

anyways, I quickly took a few hits of cocaine to calm my frayed nerves.
Miow miow had just requested audioslave.

Audioslave consists of members of two of my all time favourite bands, namely
Rage against the machine + soundgarden
One was a pioneer in rap/metal, and laced their songs with meaningful,politically-charged lyrics.
The other was a pioneer in the grunge/rock scene, and had killer riffs in every song.

Ratm disbanded, but the guitarist (a guitar god by the name of tom morello), the bassist and the drummer formed audioslave, together with the charismatic lead singer of soundgarden, chris cornell. Fair enough, audioslave never lived up to their ‘supergroup’ billing, but nonetheless, they sure beat sum41 and simple plan. guitars down.

And here was a young manjan twit by the name of miow miow, requesting a song of theirs.
To rub salt into my gaping wound, the extravagantly bimbotic deejay had to go and establish the fact that she has a crush on chris cornell.
Stick to jay chou and that Vanessa guy from f9 or whatever.
“Hi we’re 6677”, another generic Chinese pop band, whose members all have gay long hair, and should be killed, cooked, and served at some family’s reunion dinner. Yum.

As I recovered from the latest trip the cocaine had sent me on, there were questions bouncing about in my head, like Roseanne barr and moses lim in bed.

Who was this miow-miow?
Why did she have to directly hurt and offend me in such a manner?
What kinda name is bunny?
How come so many Chinese people give themselves random ‘christian’ names, without ever becoming Christian? [Harlow, ny mane Tai Nee Hed. You can call me luther Lexington the third…]
Do sikh dudes always have turbans? what if theyre balding? can they purchase a stuffed turban?whats the stuffing? Feathers?
Why does Donald duck wear a shirt, if hes always pantless?
What happened to Pamela anderson’s silicone implants? The ones she removed? Did she keep em? Were they put on a ship, to be used as a life raft?

As I sobered up, I realized what was bothering me.
Much to my chagrin, the young, annoying punks of Singapore had found out about bands that I love.
And they were desecrating my favourite bands, by requesting for songs by them

You may think, “hes being paranoid and overprotective.”
But the words ‘bunny’, ‘cute’ and ‘audioslave’ should never be uttered in the same sentence.
Ever.

This is precisely what happened to limp bizkit.
To be honest, their first album kicked ass.
Im not ashamed to admit it, it was a great album.
But after they became all ‘mtv’/'radio-friendly' and mainstream, 3year old mats were wearing their tshirts, and 12year old Indian chicks were fawning over fred durst.

This was traumatic for me.

In ‘98, when I was in boston [no, this is not a “look at me I was in the US im sooo expat statement], bizkit was popular among the metal music lovers.
The rockers, and some punks.
They came to boston on the family values tour, with korn, orgy and rammstein.
Good fun, good fun.
now, they'll be touring with britney and christina.
and yanni.[is he always at the acropolis? how come hes never live in the minnesota stadium? or the sri lankan indoor stadium? does he live in the acropolis?]

Eventually, they became pop.
This rant may be going nowhere, but I felt I had to express my great disapproval and disgust towards 15 year old, braces-wearing, flat-chested, j-pop loving, billabong-bag carrying, spiky haired girls, who wanna be all rock, cos its soo cool.
That’s why sum41 and simple plan came into existence.
Stick to them.

Kill, krush, kripple.Lee Unittttt.
Wong, we have to exterminate this miow-miow. And that god-forsaken deejay.
*cocks beretta*
we be shooting up these two freaks, like we were heroin addicts in koh samui.
Uhhhh.
That’s it for today.
Love to all those who matter.
By now, you know who you are.
*kiss to gf*
im out.

be cool

Friends, retards, lend me your ears!

Its me.
The boy wonder.

Sorry for having left you guys for so long….
Ive been reading voraciously :


lee unit's bible

Yesssss…….a useful book for all you lee-unitters who wanna get it on with some hot, flat chicks. It would help if youre skin colour was white, and you drove a Porsche.
wait im generalizing.
so sorry, daniel-san.

Recently, there was a clandestine excursion by lee-unit to a ‘club’.
In china, clubs can be found on farms, believe it or not.
Their purpose is to flatten items.
But here in syonan-to, oh so sorry, Singapore, youngsters here like to go to these…’clubs’..
Boy wonder heard much about it.
In fact he has been to these clubs a few times, but cant remember much of the details.
Thus, it was decided that lee-unit, along with some comrades, such as members of the legendary ‘TRA’ \m/, would inspect these clubs, to see if there was anything interesting going on.
Or if any money could be made, since we are, after all, from Guangzhou.

We entered after paying a hefty price of 10,000,000 renminbi, or $15.
All we saw was smoke and strange looking people.
Thankfully, my comrades had told me to wear ‘hip to the hop’ clothing.
I had already ironed my favourite one-piece-male-version-of-cheongsam-thingie.

I bobbed my head to the loud African music.
I smiled at everybody.
There was a dj, or deejay.
They are also known as spin-large-plate-on-machine-round-and-round-people.
Lee unit was truly representing.
We had a few drinks.
I had some “bonn-bonn” coke.
And a “hiney”.
Wpk later explained to me it was short form for Heineken, and not the rear of a female.
and it reminded me of fermented urine of a goat.
I do not know why.

The dj was excruciatingly bad.
He played a couple of gangsta songs.
That got lee unit very angry.
Not for any particular reason.
Simply because it would not be ‘befitting’ if we were smiling and hugging each other while the rap-song-person shouted “kill &*^&*^&@ uh yeah stab blind maim skewer I love you jesus”(I could not hear that part, I think that is what rap-song-person said. Sorry)
But to our angeringness, the fat lard bucket of a dj put on britney spears, after the angry songs.
I hope he gets raped by moses lim.
We began chanting, “kill the dj”
I showed my comrades the “dance of a thousand mating cranes”.
They followed suit.

The night ended.
We took photographs outside this ‘club’.
When people gave us dirty looks, we merely shouted,
“we from Taipei! Reeeeeeee-uniiiittttttttt!!”



wpk has dozed off, i have become a statue, and bromeo is checking out a tranny.
oh yeah, thats roslan, from tra \m/

my comrades cracked many a joke while waiting for ourselves to sober up.

from wpk :

Why did the Indian worker eat the rice?
Because he was hungry!!

From bromeo:

What do you get when you put 2 indians together?
A kit kat!! Hahahahhahahahaha

And those were the good ones.

So the next time you see a bunch of ‘hip-to-the-hop’ people, laughing, mucking about, acting rowdy, just shout :

“Leeeeeee-unit!!!”

Represent, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

On a more sober and meaningful note, I went to east coast park with the gf.
We had an absolute blast.
Ate nice food, had tasty ice cream, and just enjoyed each other’s company.
As you guys can already tell, she really is very special to me.
And I adore her with my all.
I aint writing an ode to her, cos hell, ive done it before, and everyone knows she means everything to me.
Its not just the physical attraction (yes I know shes hot. And if I got a dollar for everytime someone says “you guys look good together’, id end up making bill gates look poor))
It’s the chemistry we share.
It’s the way we read each others thoughts.
It the way we can correctly interpret how one another feels.
It’s the way we can compromise when we disagree.
It’s the way we’re secure with one another, and aren’t tempted by others.
It’s the way we’re just so comfortable with each other.
It’s the way we’re happy doing anything, be it drinking iced milo at mustafa centre/teh peng at al-azhar, or dining at mezzanine/equinox.
Either way, we always enjoy ourselves.
Simply because, all we need is each other.


ahh.picture perfect.

So, my dearest blog-readers, that’s it for today.
I had an interesting weekend.
And I have a measly 2 weeks of ns left.
Hoorah!

oh yeah. you guys just have to check this out.
i loved the comic.
i cannot wait for the movie to come out.

sin city

hope you enjoyed that.
im out.

3 cheers for sweet revenge

A thousand apologies for the extended hiatus.
Was real busy with a variety of things.

First off, let us all collectively ponder something.
Why would a person come to a ‘blog’, and ask questions such as “why is the writer so sarcastic?”
I mean, I don’t go to your house and ask why your mother looks like a man, or why you don’t look like your parents(you were found in a drain, nimrod)

If you don’t like what you read, fair enough.
Go back to surfing Disney.

In other news, it is official.
The boy wonder is victorious.
My boss has resigned.
Sweet revenge is mine.
My plan to rid our office of the menace known affectionately as ‘boss’, succeeded.
She tendered her resignation.
No more inhumane treatment.
No more unreasonable deducting of extra hours.
And no more smell.
I see my entire division rejoicing, and taking off their gas masks.

But in truth, was it really a fair fight?
She was targeted by all the big shots in our division, so it made things much easier for myself.
Everyone jumped onto the bandwagon and decided to berate and condemn her.
Fair enough, I had my own, personal reasons to do so.
But after a few days, I realized, the battle I was fighting, was not a fair one

There is no justice.
Without sin.

I picked on the wounded.
Im not proud of it.
When she was down and out, I didn’t bat an eyelid.
No, this is not an epiphany tinged with regret.

I just think that it is in human nature to gang up on the weak, since it is, to quote an over-used quote, the ‘survival of the fittest.’

Frankly, I feel happy for her.
She gets her liberation.
Sometimes, certain people are not meant to carry out certain roles.
From day one, her stint was doomed.

Her enthusiasm, albeit misplaced, and her unwillingness to mix with the other senior officers, meant she was an outcast.
Her lack of looks didn’t help.
She became the laughing stock of the division.
And that’s precisely why im happy for her.
That she can lead her own life in the private sector, away from the vicious, unforgiving, politically-motivated world that we call the police force.

Here’s to freedom.
And fresh air.

As my ORD date approaches, I am in a pensive and sombre mood.
On the one hand, I am relieved that my NS is ending.
On the other hand, I am slightly apprehensive of what university holds for me.

I mean, my brain has stagnated beyond recognition, to put it mildly.
Im having trouble solving my sister’s math problems.
And shes in primary 6.
So its gonna be a struggle.
True, my life wont be as easy and slack as it currently is.

But I’ll be sure to make time for the things that matter to me.
Namely, frinn, friends, family, football.
Yeah.

Reflect

Take a look in the mirror.
Do you like what you see.
Do you recognize yourself.
Ignore your physical attributes.
Look deep into your own eyes.
Try and peer
Into your very essence.
Into your soul.

Are you doing the best you can, with what you have.
Or are you wasting it all away,
In the name of mediocrity?

As I looked into the mirror this morning,
It occurred to me.
Sometimes,
I cant even recognize myself.

Gone are the days
of bloodied lips
of bruised cheeks
of nicotine breath
of alcoholic scents
of a permanent snarl.

replaced by
a smile.
I like this me.
Its here to stay.

That’s it for today.
Have a good one.