theres a passage i got memorized.ezekiel 25:17.

Samuel L. Jackson is one very restrained person.
He is in total control of his rather volatile emotions.
A poster-boy for the Lee Unit, Sam grew up in some ghetto or the other, selling crack to small children and buying guns from the Russians.
Or something.
One day, as he was shooting a rival drug dealer dead, he was spotted by the famous Hollywood talent scout, pee-wee herman.

And so began the journey of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

You’ve seen him in countless movies.
Think back….
Don’t you remember him being eaten by dinosaurs in “Jurassic Park”, with only his right arm remaining?
How about as side-kick to Bruce Willis in the absolutely horrid“Die Hard 3:Die Hard ‘cos we need the $$$”
No?
Come on where have you been all these years??
Ok how about as the foul-mouthed Ordell in “Jackie Brown”?
No? retard.
If he had one defining role, it had to be his portrayal of the pseudo-evangelist/hired killer Jules Winnfield in “Pulp Fiction”.
Ah there we go.
You remember.
Throw in a couple of other movies where he played a drug dealer, a dog, a detective, a cop, and so on, and you get Samuel L. Jackson’s entire career.
Plus a role in “the Incredibles”, but that don’t count. Uhh.

Ok arzish what the hell is your point…

Well, the last 3 movies that I’ve watched have all had him in them.
Coach carter.
xxx2.
star wars episode 3.
A strange coincidence?
How much Samuel Jackson can anyone possibly stomach?
Not enough, apparently.

Being a connoisseur of B-grade flicks, I quickly realized something very, very odd.

My nigga, my dawg, my homie, Samuel Jackson, had lost his ability to swear.
Yes, in all 3 movies, sammy didn’t utter a single vulgarity.
From a lee-unit point of view, this was utter blasphemy.
How could one of the most potty-mouthed mofos on the entire planet, not utter a single swear word in roughly 20 hours of cinema time? (well, actually its roughly 6 hours of cinema time, but xxx2 was so bad that it felt like 15 excruciating hours)

I am not known as the boy wonder for nothing.
I did my own detective work.
It involved the use of my tool.
Not that tool, you perv.
My handy-dandy…handphone.
Yeah, I called a few people.
Using my web of amazing contacts spread throughout the globe, I managed to secure, exclusively for this amazing website, a set of clandestine shots.
Secret photos.(god, are you that dumb?clandestine…done or kept in secret. Moron)
These photos were taken with a state-of-the-art machine known as the :
“True-Intention-Teller”, or TIT for short.
It is often used in Hollywood by curious cameramen, and displays the actors’ ‘true intention/emotion’ during each take.

Of course, TIT is still in its embryonic stages, and thus the pictures sent to me were not of great quality.
The authenticity of these secret pictures that I am about to show you, my valued blog-reader, is practically guaranteed.
Due to the weight and size of the TIT, it cannot be transported to my humble abode.
Pity.
Thus, I have to settle for hazy pictures.
I reiterate, although they may look somewhat edited (you doubt me? banish the blasphemous thought!), they are authentic.
Have a look :

What Samuel Jackson uttered in this scene from Coach Carter :

What Sam actually meant to say in the scene :

Samuel Jackson, in a conversation with himself, in xxx2 :

what he really meant to say :

in an epic battle with the evil Palpatine, in the recent Star Wars episode 3 :

[damn, TIT really screwed up on this one..click to enlarge or sumthin..i think]

what he really meant to say to the eeevil Palpatine :

as you can see, the photos didnt come out too well.
ah well, you win some, you lose some.
once again, I reiterate, these photos are authentic, and obtained from a TIT.

Nothing to do with me, or the paint software on my PC.

So you see my friend, Samuel Jackson showed amazing restraint not to just let his potty mouth run.
He controlled himself.
Im amazed by the almost god-like restraint he showed, to not utter any obscenities/vulgarities throughout these movies.

Every time I see him appear on screen, in my mind, I hear two phrases shouted out in that trademark bark of his :

"Fu** you bitch!"

and

"Lee unit uhh!"

Yeah.
That’s about it.
Life is good.
Loadsa love to the gf [baby squids and baby bul-buls are just so cute. *wink*] and friends.
Miss y’all.
Im out.

do short immortal green jedis ever ever get laid?

Title above, relevant is not.
Witty title missing, ran out of ideas i did.

Watched it, I have.
Disappointed, I am not.
Speaking in this autistic fashion, stop I must.

Episode 3 lived up to expectations.
Finally, one of the new episodes that was actually worth a watch.
The other two were just about jar-jar-‘im ziggy marley on crack’-binks and anakin-oh-im-sooo-in-love-with-princess-yogjakarta…

This one had some actual tension and solid violence.
In episode 1, I felt great tension while pondering whether or not the fat Indian dude on my left would let out his post-‘komala’s thosai’ air…
In episode 2, I was mortified when I saw the hideous manjan couple getting it on in the row in front of me. I almost got solidly violent and threw one piece of popcorn at them. Uhhh don’t mess with me nigga uhhh.
I guess I deserved it for watching it in clementi’s ‘state-of-the-art’ empress theatre.
Well it beats the theatres which show r-rated ‘foreign movies’, complete with the dirty old uncles.
Cringe.

Get back to topic arzish.
Topic arzish.
Wouldn’t that be a nifty topic in school?
Topic : Arzish
Aite aite enough.

This time, my dad, sis and I decided to watch it in…
Marina square.
Now the last I heard, it was a pile of rubble.
I was soon to discover, a pile of rubble is pretty close to the truth.
Most of the bloody place is closed.
The shops are bare.
The only fast food available is long john silvers.
Its like there was some nuclear holocaust which only affected marina square.

We walked into some strange kopitiam/upper-class restaurant thing…
It was all couchy and had a pianist playing, etc.
Since we come from the Indian subcontinent, we unknowingly stood in front of the live performance while discussing whether or not we should dine there, or just eat long johns.
And since we come from the Indian subcontinent, we obviously ended up at long johns.

Just to give you a clue of how dead this wasteland known as marina square is, when the movie ended, I swear, every single person I had seen wandering around the place, probably inclusive of the 3 shopkeepers and 1 cleaner, emerged from the movie theatre.

Its like everyone there had gone there for this movie.
Either star wars has some hypnotic powers over the entire population, or everyone there had forced themselves to be there, so as to catch the movie.

after the movie, getting back to the car was one hell of an ordeal.
none of the cursed lifts were in operation.
so all of us were forced to play ‘treasure hunt’ at 1am.
Yes.
The great hunt for…the hidden underground carpark.
Seems you have to climb down a billion stairs first.
Then squeeze between the wall and the killer parking barricade thingie(something my portly dad had much fun doing).
Then look for your car, aided by horrid, horror-movie inspired dim lighting from dangling lights.
The prize?? Your own car…well..yeah..the one you always had dude…

I swear I almost got decapitated by one of these fluorescent tubes of death.

The whole thing was just surreal, like something outta the twilight zone.

Twilight zone - episode #19974 :

“the secluded isolated forever-under-construction shopping mall of doom”

maybe paris hilton could have an easy role and play the dim bulb.(you knew that was coming right? arzish pass on a jab at the queen of retards? not possible)

heard loadsa people cheered when she(paris, not the fluorescent bulb which still hangs in the carpark,,,she was a sweet girl tho...that miss fluoro) got killed in ‘house of wax’.

I read the synopses of the scene(yes I do my..umm..research)
I even watched some of paris’ other works…though the lighting in one of the videos wasn’t to good…green and all..
Moving along…

Heres my breakdown of paris hiltons death scence:

1. paris hilton and her himbo screen-boyfriend find a secluded corner [in a house filled with corpses…how romantic…maybe I should try that with my girl or something….national mortuary here I come]
2. they get in the mood and start getting it on [although there are 2 serial killers on the loose]
3. paris does a strip tease and gets down to her undergarments [although the movie was shot in the winter. the lengths some women go to turn a guy on…]
4. I aint too sure about this…someone told me the boyfriend gets killed or something…doesn’t really matter though…just another man who did it with paris and disappeared
5. skimpily clad oh-so-vulnerable paris runs for her oh-so-dear life, from the deranged serial killer. [maybe he just wanted to get her to put on some clothes?]
6. she gets impaled on a huge stick! [insert lewd remark here]
7. yo but seriously, she gets killed big time. Like nasty gory horror-movie style death. Uhh lee-unitt style nigga.

Everyone was apparently overjoyed at seeing little ole paris get what she deserved.
Queue the applause and standing ovation.

I swear, the deranged killer could just be…
Nicole Ritchie, minus the make-up.
Good lord she is hideous.
“PARIS I LOVED YOU!!WE LED A SIMPLE LIFE TOGETHER! THE SIMPLE LIFE!!”

yeah that’s a killer line.
a killer line.
Haha.

House of wax.
Whatever dude.
Sounds like some bondage-themed S&M playhouse or something.

Oh yeah there was some dude who called me and was trying to force me to go for some stupid orientation camp..

Hes all…
”hallo….arzish? you joining nus biz ad this year right? you really should come for the camp lah…really one..it’ll be very beneficial for you…you will meet new people its just so exciting!” [the nerd sounds like hes creaming his panties I swear]

I told him once before that I wasn’t goin for no orientation camp cos I got stuff to do, ie slack off.
So I go…

“no dude. I aint going. Thanks.”

Our resident thick-skinned moron goes…
“aiyah can one! You come down ok? Ok can ah! Just come down it will be so fun so many games to play and many girls also leh….[at this point he appears to be playing with his acne and smiling a sleazy smile] ok so I put your name down ah friend?”

everyone knows im a very very patient individual.
someone once told me excessive ‘playing with yourself’ would lead to blindness.
im still patiently waiting.
but this dude was really getting annoying.

Plus I already know the prettiest girl I ever need to know, aka the delectable gf.*slurp*

So I replied, in a very serious voice, like one of those voices an Indian mother takes when she tells her son, “son, if you don’t study, you will become a roadsweeper”…

“mr. *insert nerdish-name here*, in truth, I would love to attend this interesting camp. Really. I absolutely love attending camps. But recently, I, well [I stammered a bit, like I was holding back tears]….well, I was diagnosed with..mild schizophrenia.
Yes. Im schizophrenic. Its mild. And if I take enough pills, it can be controlled.
But I simply don’t want to endanger anyone’s life, mr. *dudes name*…
People have told me that when I have my..umm...episodes [fine-tune voice to seem like im digging up long-buried traumatic memories],well I get very violent. Very violent.
[I swear, I wanted to say, “I may even remove a particular nerd’s glasses, and gouge his sleazy eyes out with a plastic spoon.” But me being the gentleman I am, I resisted]
So you understand my concerns right mr. *fellow’s moniker*?”

A long silence followed.

After which, I heard…
[in a quivering oh-god-oh-god-i-so-just-wet-my-pants voice]
“oh mr. arzish. I am terribly sorry. Very very sorry. Goodbye”

and that was the end of my chance to be invited to any orientation camp to be conducted in Singapore, or even southeast asia. Ever.

Ah well, you win some, you lose some.

I am dying to skateboard again.
I miss it so bad.
But my lovely mother, after breaking my last skateboard, permanently banned me from skateboarding.
Guess I gotta survive playing tony hawk on the playstation.

I cant wait for this movie though…

skaters rejoice.its..the lords of dogtown

Everything else is going very well.
Spending more and more time with the girlfriend.
Which is definitely a good thing.
Love you loads gf.
And meeting my boys more often too.
Lee-unitttt uhh!
Tra \m/
That’s it for now.
Im out.

every beginning has an end

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

-t.s eliot

The inevitable occurred.
as I sat hoping against all hope, my beloved saints got relegated.
Southampton fc.
After 28 years in top flight football, they will now be plying their fare in division 1.
They gave it their all.
But once again, they came up short.
Fair enough, they had to beat Manchester united to stay in the league.
And man utd, recently humbled by Chelsea 3-1, were in no mood to let the saints stay up.
Whats more ironic, and disturbing, is the manner in which the team that did stay up, managed to do so.
West bromwich albion did the near impossible by avoiding relegation.
But the team they played against, Portsmouth, were more than happy to let w.b.a win.
Not because they had nothing to play for.

But because Portsmouth, or pompey as they are known, are the greatest cross-town rivals of the saints.
They would love nothing more than to see their arch-nemesis get relegated.
The fans of pompey were even urging their team to score own-goals, so that they would lose and allow wba to condemn Southampton to their fate.

Luck is something Southampton have lacked this season.

They were leading against middlesborough 2-0 until the 90^th minute, when they let in not 1, but 2 late goals, losing 2 precious points.
They were leading 2-1 against arsenal until the 93^rd minute, when arsenal equalized.
They were leading against everton 1-0 until the 92^nd minute, when everton equalized.

And to cap it all of, they were leading 2-0 against Aston villa in the first half recently, only to collapse and let in 3 goals, so as to lose 3-2.

To be painfully honest, their defence has been abysmal.
Every time the ball goes near the Southampton penalty box, my heart skips a beat.
Even the Singapore national team probably has a better backline than Southampton.

So in retrospect, as much as I hate to say it, they deserved to be relegated.

Niemi
Smith
Bernard
Higginbotham
Lundekvam
Dodd
Le saux
Telfer
Prutton
Oakley
Redknapp
Quashie
Nilsson
Svensson
Delap
Camara
Crouch
Phillips

No matter what anyone says, these individuals, whose entire year’s wages cannot match the weekly wage of a beckham or a zidane, will be heroes.
Because they fought valiantly, till the bitter end.

i reiterate,
lady luck did not favour Southampton fc.

My love affair with the saints started in late 1991.
My uncle came over from England, and at our house, we were watching the best goals of the EPL season.
There, a certain Matthew Le Tissier scored a gem of a goal.
I was to learn that le tissier’s forte was scoring amazing goals.
My uncle told me the brief history of Southampton, and how they were a bunch of working class lads, ever-ready to mix it up with the big-boys in the league.
They came from poor backgrounds.Their star player, le tissier, was a home grown talent, who refused to be tempted by the money of big clubs, and stayed loyal to the saints.
since that day, i have have been an ardent supporter of the very unfashionable southampton f.c.

Along the years, the saints have made me scream for joy, and shed many a tear.

When they beat man utd 6-3, I screamed till my voice went hoarse.
When they beat arsenal in their last match at the dell, I was ecstatic.
When they beat Portsmouth 3-0 and I was overseas, I remember screaming like a maniac at my handphone, which had been faithfully providing me updates.
When they beat arsenal 3-2, and Manchester united 1-0, in 2 cracking matches, I felt a high I had never felt before.

Of course, along with these joyous occasions, came moments I would rather forget.
Like the 7-0 mauling by Liverpool.
Losing the FA cup final 1-0 to arsenal.
Or even losing in the FA cup to tranmere rovers, a division 2 outfit, 3-4, when we were leading 3-0.
Even the recent 4-1 shredding by Portsmouth broke my heart.

The saints have narrowly avoided relegation on many accounts.
I hoped that they could do that one more time.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to be satiated watching them occasionally in FA cup action.
Me being the eternal optimist, I thought they may scrape through when they were leading against man utd.
It was not to be.
Sadly, on 15thMay2005, one of the loves of my life, made me cry for one last time.

as they say,
once a saint, always a saint.

au revoir southampton fc.
please come back soon.
please.

episode 3.998412 : the revenge of the lee

Loadsa stuff has happened in my life since I last updated.
But this blog isn’t about detailing my every outing and activity.
I find blogs which record the writer’s every move extremely boring.
I mean, do I really care if you went to inspect your genital warts at 12.41am?

I suspect the higher powers have found out about lee-unit.

On Saturday, after a great day with the lovely gf,


the couple in question

I decided to meet up with bromeo and watch an uber-important match featuring my beloved Southampton fc.

Holland village was the proposed venue to watch the match.
Holland village.
Yes, the expat hangout of Singapore.
Although its mighty close to my house, I have studiously avoided ‘holland v’[as most call it] from a tender age.
Somehow, the place has never really appealed to me.
Sure they have a few good magazine shops.
And a few good restaurants.
And no parking lots.
I guess I get real turned off when I see millions of Chinese/Malay/Indian chicks madly fawning upon the white dudes.
Its one thing to go after the dude if hes genuinely funny/cute/good-looking etc. regardless of skin colour.
But to be selective of who you date based on how white he is just annoys me.

I see all these misled women, ogling over….elderly white men.
Yes.
I do wonder what the geriatric white dude has that makes him preferred over an able-bodied non-white.
Don’t get me wrong.
I have loadsa white friends and im really ok with them.
But in all honesty, most white people here have an annoying ‘superior-to-you-asians’ attitude.
And the spgs who inhabit our land simply fuel this attitude.
(note : to the uninitiated, SPGs, or sarong party girls, are Asian women who go after anything that’s white.even walls and pillars)

I still remember a while back, when I went to wala-wala(a popular pub along holland v)
My friends(who were,incidentally,white)and I overheard this conversation between 3 20-something-year old Chinese women.
Spg1 : “aiyah, why the white men all focusing on the soccer match so much leh?stupid men!”
Spg2 : “dunno leh.so boring!that one cute lah(signals towards a middle-aged Caucasian,with a huge beer-belly and a very receding hair-line)
Spg 3 : “eh how you pronounce this word leh…h-o-e-g-a-a-r-d-e-n…”Hosegarden?sound funny leh”
Spg2 : “no lahh! How can you say that? It is ‘Holegarden’ lah.trust me my ex-boyfriend white leh”

Yes.that little incident just highlights the warped mental state these women are. Not only are they pursuing men who probably couldnt care less about them. Theyre desperately trying to be something theyre not.
Stick to tsing tao beer.

Anyways I digressed.
Big deal.

As bromeo and I watched the match at a coffeeshop in holland village, Southampton, after
providing me with nothing but heartache, finally equalized in the 93rd minute of the match. I was relieved, because they deserved to lose.

As we returned to my beloved ‘fitty’, bromeo spotted a white paper on my windscreen.
Anyone who drives knows that white slip of paper spells impending doom.

My first parking offence.

Parking in Holland village is an absolute nightmare.
So using my brilliant and resourceful mind, I found a parking lot next to a nearby swimming complex.
It was like an oasis.
A mirage.
Like a good piece of clothing on sale at mustafa centre.
There were 3 slots which were uninhabited.
Imagine my joy.
I parked fitty and ran off to the coffeeshop.
I read the parking sign thingie.
It said :

“7am-10pm. $0.50/half hour.
10pm-7am. Season parking only.”

In my hurry to watch my beloved Southampton play like crap once again, I thought to myself…
“people who paid for season parking can only park here from 10pm onwards? what a buncha losers!haha!i rock!uhhhh!”
after thinking this rather flawed thought, I scurried off.

Thus, in effect, albeit unintentionally, I have violated parking rule#18 : parking in a season parking lot without a valid season parking pass.

$50 goes out the window.
Personally, I think it’s a devious plan by the higher powers that rule this country, to disarm lee unit.
To target…the unit.
I frantically checked fitty, to see if the evil URA person had harmed him.
But knowing fitty, even if he got shot 9 times, he would still be drive-able.
Well, as cypress hill once so poetically said it,
“we aint goin down like that.”

Holland village shall burn.

Here is my devious plan to battle their devious plan.
Note how I put my devious plan on my blog for all to see, much like the villain who reveals all his secrets to the hero before miserably failing in his attempt to kill him.
Take note : I am the hero
Not sure how that makes any sense.
Heres my deviously devious plan nonetheless:

1. Give 3 bottles of concentrated alcohol(packaged to look like absolute vodka) to 3 lucky SPGs.
2. Inform them that white men find it extremely sexy when Chinese women light up a match and slide it into a bottle of (flammable)vodka, because it is full of naughty innuendo.(mention to them something about a white dudes ‘hot tool’ and her ‘intoxicating lower entrance’…)
3. Proceed to explain to dull SPGs the meaning of innuendo.
4. Reiterate that they are to perform this oh-so-lewd (and rather deadly) act in the crowded pub.
5. Await sweet revenge.
6. Lee-Unitttt!

No I aint pissed.
I should have figured that there is no such thing as an empty parking lot anywhere near Holland village on a Saturday night.
My bad, my bad.

As I write this, Arsenal have beaten Liverpool.
Thus everton are going to Europe next season.
Who would’ve thought?
I pray the saints stay up.
It’s a long shot.
Juventus are gonna win the serie A soon.
While watchin Barcelona rape Valencia, due to a technical glitch,
the normal English commentators have been replaced by 2 old, fat-sounding Spanish men.
All they seem to be saying is :

“no no.si.puyol!!!!!!no no.ronaldinho!!!!!no no.si.no no.lo siento…el eto’o….gollllllllllllll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

pretty limited range of expressions and emotions there…
amusing nonetheless.

that’s about it for now.
O-R-D.
3 beautiful letters.
I love squids.
Not eating them.
Just the creatures themselves.
Love to gf.
More love to gf.
And then some.
And some to all my friends.
Lee unit!
TRA \m/!
Kill URA!
Yeah that’s bout it.
Im out.

high all the time

every time we meet, I end up
loving you a bit more than before.
every time we kiss, I am left
void of any negative emotions.
every time you leave my side, I think
no, precious angel. dont go.stay here with me always.

my heart beats
only for your joy
nobody loves me like you.
truth be told, im nothing without you.
having you in my life is a gift i only wish i could treasure.
so heres to a lifetime of love and union.


yes, eleven wonderful months.
Stop cringing and be happy for me will ya?
ive found what ive always been looking for, and that makes my life a great place.
As ive said before, she is perfection personified.
happy anniversary baby.
i love you with all my heart and soul.
------------------------------------------
On another note, you can read about lee unit’s latest outing here at:

Wongs glorious blog(salute to mother china)

and see the pics of the nite here:

lee unit

We took a few pics and a few videos for the heck of it…
My gf, the closet movie director(this skill will come in useful in our future..umm..’activities’) made this cute clip using one of the recordings:

fitty on the bounce

So you see, I did actually spend 7.25 billion renminbi pimping my ride, aka fitty, so that it had the latest hydraulics fitted into it, and is thus, able to …bounce…
Uhhhhh leeee unitttt!

Congrats to Liverpool you guys deserved the win over chelski.
money and an arrogant manager cant get you the champion's league trophy..
though it can get you miggghty close.
btw, I love you Southampton fc.
That 4-3 win over Norwich city was a night to remember…

I was watchin the match at the pristine and serene setting of indochine(or whatever that place is, at wisma atria, where fags play the acoustic guitar and cover westlife)…
So while the 3 old mats on stage sang about finding ‘the reason’(I contemplated suicide several times while the dude sang this horrid song….off key!), I was watching southampton fight for their lives, together with my super sedate and un-emotional friend, jeevan.
With the scores tied at 3-3, in the 86th minute, henri camara unleashed a rocket from his left foot, and much to my delight, the ball went straight in.
From my viewpoint, I couldn’t see much, since it all happened so fast, and the stupid waitress thought we liked gay music, so she put us in a weird position.
All I remember was seeing the net almost bursting…
And as a result, I shouted, with all my unbridled joy,
“goooooaaaaalll !!!!! yes yes yes!!! Goooal!!!!! Come on you saints!”
this, of course, traumatized all the sedated ‘cool’ yuppies who sat around and sang along, softly, to “like a rose.”
My friend, the uber-introvert, was suitably embarrassed.
But to all you footie fans, you know how it feels when your team’s striker scores a beauty in the 86th minute, and effectively makes the scores 4-3 in your team’s favour.
Especially if your team are fighting for their lives.
The feeling is indescribable.
So come on you saints, you can do this.

aite people, im tired.
Off to sleep I go.
Or is it to…indulge in my questionable night-time activities…
as 50cent once said(in the song high all the time):
"im high as a motherfu**er"
but it aint a drug-induced high.
life is good.
love y'all.
au revoir.
Im out.